Your Socks Aren’t Wet

by William Kitcher

 
 
 

           The front door was unlocked, which was unusual. I opened it, shook the rain off my collar, and there was Moran, sitting in the easy chair staring into the fireplace.

           The room seemed somewhat off-kilter but I couldn’t immediately identify what was different.

           My cat Casey was sitting at the edge of the fireplace instead of stretched out in front of the fire, looking at me and then Moran and then back at me.

           “What are you doing here?” I said.

           “Just visiting.”

           “Visiting?”

           “Yeah, visiting you and Emma.”

           “Where’s Emma?”

           “I don’t know.”

           “What are you doing?”

           “Waiting.”

           “How’d you get in?”

           “The door was unlocked.”

           “How long you been here?”

           “I don’t know. Just got here.”

           I took a step towards him. “Your socks aren’t wet.”

           “What?”

           “Your socks aren’t wet.”

           “So?”

           “It’s raining. Has been for about an hour.”

           “So?”

           I looked down at his boots by the door, lying on their sides. “You have holes on the bottom of both boots.”

           He may have been looking at me, but I couldn’t see his face clearly. I looked over his shoulder. The door to the bedroom was shut. We never shut that door. I went straight for it and, as I brushed past Moran, he may have shifted slightly. I stood in front of the door, then touched the handle. It was warm. I opened the door.

           From the light streaming through the raindrops on the window, I could see Emma sitting on the edge of the bed, her hands behind her back, a gag in her mouth. A closed suitcase was beside the bed.

           I flipped the light switch.

           Jeff was standing by the closet. On the floor in front of it were the old clothes that had been in it. Several of the dresser drawers had been emptied and thrown on the bed.

           “Where is it?” he said.

           Moran had come up behind me and something was sticking in my back. I knew Moran never carried a gun so I smashed my elbow backwards into his face. He hit the ground, and I picked up the candle he’d been holding. I lifted my boot in the air, and Moran cowered so I did nothing to him.

           I went over to Emma and took the gag out of her mouth. I looked at her wrists, which were bound with strips from a torn pillowcase.

           “Where is it?” Jeff repeated.

           Emma looked up at me. “Help me, Tom. I don’t know where the money is.”

           I decided to not undo her hands, and just shook my head. “That’s not much of a knot on your wrists considering you’re supposed to be tied up. Just pull them apart, Emma. Go ahead. It’s not that difficult. Go on. Do it.”

           Emma pulled her wrists apart and the bonds fell away easily.

           “Jeff used to be in the Navy. Or the Boy Scouts, I don’t remember. He’d never make a knot like that if he was serious about it.”

           Jeff took a step toward me. “Navy and Boy Scouts. And I can handle myself better than he can.” He gestured vaguely at Moran on the floor.

           “I know you’ve been screwing around on me. I’ve known for a while. That’s why we haven’t fucked. I don’t want to catch anything from that troglodyte.”

           Jeff took another step toward me. “Where’s the money, Tom? Now!”

           Jeff was considerably bigger than I was, and a lot tougher. I’d once seen him punch out three guys at the same time.

           “Moran, get the cat,” he said.

           “If you touch that cat, I’ll kill you. OK, Jeff, you win,” I said. I kicked out of the way all the junk in front of the closet. I put a chair in there, climbed up on it, and pushed open a panel in the ceiling. I brought down a box and threw it on the bed.

           “Open it,” said Jeff.

           I opened the box and pulled out of it a bank’s security bag.

           “Open it,” said Jeff.

           “It doesn’t have one of those ink things,” I said.

           “Open it.”

           I undid the bag, opened it wide and stepped back.

           Jeff brought out handfuls of neatly bundled bills, the bank’s logo on each of the straps.

           “Wow,” said Moran.

           Jeff threw one of the stacks on the bed, and looked at me. “For your trouble.”

           He stuffed the rest of it back into the bag, pulled it closed tight, and the three of them exited the bedroom.

           I picked up the stack of bills, and followed them out.

           Jeff opened the front door. It was still raining heavily.

           Moran pulled on his boots.

           “You can afford new boots now,” I said.

           Jeff turned to Emma. “You coming?”

           “Yeah,” she said. “Right behind you. I have to get my coat.”

           Jeff and Moran sprinted through the downpour to their car parked out front.

           Emma put her coat on, buttoned it to the top, and put her hat and boots on. She went back into the bedroom and picked up the suitcase. She came back into the living room, put her hand on my shoulder, and said, “I’m sorry.”

           I smiled at her. “No, you’re not.”

           Emma ran out into the rain.

           I shut the door, tossed the stack of bills into the fireplace, and watched it burn. Casey looked at me. I looked back at him.

           “The bills are in sequence,” I said. “I figured that out the next day. With any luck, they won’t notice until just after they’re caught.”

           Casey meowed at me.

           “Get in your carrier, buddy. Your ping pong ball and your rubber ball and your teddy bear are already in there. We’re taking a trip. You’re going to like backwoods Minnesota.”

           He did.

 

Bill’s stories, plays, and comedy sketches have been published and/or produced in Australia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Canada, Czech Republic, England, Guernsey, Holland, India, Ireland, Nigeria, Singapore, South Africa, and the U.S. His stories have appeared in Fiery Scribe Review, The Metaworker, New Contrast, The Prague Review, Once Upon A Crocodile, Spank The Carp, Little Old Lady Comedy, Yellow Mama, and of course, Jokes Review! His novel, “Farewell And Goodbye, My Maltese Sleep”, will be published in 2023 by Close To The Bone Publishing.