Once upon a time (back in 2008) the good subjects of the Province of California did enthusiastically support a ballot measure heralding the creation of high-speed rail.

The court jester, clapping his hands gleefully, did say, "This is the stuff of a wonderful fairy tale."

According to this tale, we Silicon Valley subjects would soon be taking frequently running trains between the wondrous cities of Los Angeles and San Francisco for much less money than it would cost to fly, and in a mere two hours and 40 minutes. And this would be funded almost entirely by the vast kingdom, the private sector, and the future subjects of the province. Wondrous!

But alas, the public-private partnership that was to build this rail is apparently now all public; the kingdom’s funds have disappeared; and the anticipated cost for the project, projected to be $9 billion, has ballooned to $96 billion. The anticipated speed has been greatly reduced; the ticket cost now rivals the cost to fly; and the completion date is—will be—well, we're not sure.

Our aged and learned former governor, Brown, the jester reminds us, loved the idea of a choo-choo train connecting all parts (or many parts, or some parts) of this our golden state. The centerpiece of the project, the connection between LA and SF was labeled "Phase 1." So exciting!

But his young and energetic successor observed that none of the magical promises of this choo-choo train were being fulfilled and that it had lost favor with his people. In 2015, even before he became governor, he did boldly proclaim:

"We're not even close to the timeline, we're not close to the total cost estimates, and private-sector money and the federal dollars are questionable…I am not the only Democrat that feels this way. I am one of the few that just said it publicly. Most are now saying it privately."

And on the very day he was anointed, did reaffirm, "The project, as currently planned, would cost too much and take too long."

But a few days later he did proclaim that the segment from Merced to Bakersfield (more popularly called "The Train to Nowhere") on which work had already begun should, in fact, be completed. This part we know was still to be funded by tithes on all the kingdom's subjects.

It was assumed, from the newly anointed governor's speech, that the rest of high-speed rail would, like the big bad wolf, go away. Well, the only thing that went away was the federal kingdom's share of the funding for the "Train to Nowhere." And while overpasses and underpasses continued to be built by happy workmen, some of the land needed for the train had not yet even been bought.

That was way back then.

Fast forward some 10 years. Not much has changed. HSR, as it is called, is still alive and ailing. The now not-so-young governor is still promoting the train to nowhere. The huge salaries of the oh-so-patient directors do continue, as do the almost 250 members of the HSR staff. The track to somewhere, from SF to LA, if funded, may perhaps be completed in this century—and the system is already obsolete. 

Happy Ending?

The court jester pulled out his Magic 8 Decision Ball (available from Amazon), warmed it, rolled the ball in his long-fingered hand, cast his eyes toward the high ceiling of the court and asked: "Will the legislators follow the wishes of the handsome, white-toothed, oh-so-brilliant, and ambitious governor or will they follow the wishes of their constituents? Or….?”

One 6-year-old boy pulled out his calculator and cried, "How about we award $10 million to each and every worker, contractor, and staff member and just end it? Everyone will benefit and live happily ever after.”

Mickie Winkler is the former mayor of Menlo Park. She has lived and written humor around the world and happily continues in Palo Alto, CA.